


Fractures

by Rookblonkorules



Category: Animorphs - Katherine A. Applegate
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, Flashbacks, Gen, Nightmares, Nobody Dies, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rachel Lives, Suicidal Thoughts, These kids have had it rough, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, probably, the aftermath is going to be rough too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:41:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23207155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rookblonkorules/pseuds/Rookblonkorules
Summary: "The war is over. They won. Not without consequences."Rachel was supposed to die. She lived. AU. Snapshots of the Animorphs post-war, w/ a heavy focus on Rachel and Tobias. Canon pairings. Tw: PTSD, anxiety, depression, self-destructive behaviour/coping mechanisms. Rating may change.
Relationships: Loren & Tobias (Animorphs), Rachel (Animorphs)/Tobias (Animorphs)
Comments: 32
Kudos: 26





	1. Rachel

**Author's Note:**

> Note: These past couple of months have been getting me back into my old Animorphs phase.  
> Gosh, I loved these books so much as a young teen. Now, I've been introducing them to my little brother and we're reading through the series together.  
> This story is written for him. Rachel is his favorite character- followed by Ax and Tobias- (Coincidentally, Rachel and Tobias are my two favorites as well.) and I promised him a Rachel lives story. He was about as upset as I was by Rachel's death, which is to say a lot.  
> While I've come to appreciate some parts of Animorphs' ending (excluding The One and all that... nonsense), I do somewhat resent Rachel's death since a lot of people seem to think that was the only possible outcome for her character and I'm also just... so fascinated by the idea post-war Rachel and my own headcanons for her.  
> She's one of my favorite characters, period, and I think she deserves the chance to grow post-war.  
> Characters: Heavy focus on Rachel and Tobias, but will include the other Animorphs. Loren. Likely some mention of Elfangor.  
> Relationships: Canon pairings, so Rachel/Tobias. Not sure if this will mean Cassie/Ronnie or Cassie/Jake. Maybe both. I like Cassie/Jake better, obviously. But I don't want to completely ignore Ronnie's existence.  
> Warnings: PTSD, anxiety, depression and self-destructive behaviours.

Rachel takes to running at night. 

There’s a certain thrill that comes with courting danger. With putting your life on the line.

She hasn’t forgotten that the Yeerks were never the only threat on good old planet Earth. No. Humans were pretty good at being dangerous themselves. 

Even if the most she’s going to come across on her nightly excursions is your average thug.

It’s not the same as going toe to toe with a Hork-Bajir.

Nothing is ever going to be the same as going toe to toe with a Hork-Bajir. 

But who knows? Maybe he’ll even have a gun.

It scares her, but sometimes she misses the rush that came with battle. 

Sometimes she feels that grizzly just beneath the surface. All she has to do is let it out… 

It would be so easy. Good old grizzly. Her old friend. 

It hasn’t let her down yet. 

It would be so easy…

Maybe if she’s lucky, some punk  _ will _ be stupid enough to mess with her. She’s sure that after dark she looks like any other helpless blonde.

Better her than some other woman.

Rachel shakes off the thought and pushes herself harder. As if she could possibly outrun her thoughts instead of carrying them with her. 

The war is over. 

They won. 

Not without consequences. 

Tom is dead and by her own hands. She killed her own cousin. 

By all rights, she  _ should _ be dead.

She’s not, if that much isn’t obvious by now. 

Killing her cousin was going to be the mission where she died. 

If there’s an olympics for how messed up a person can get, she thinks she might be the winner of the gold medal. 

Or she and Jake might be tied for first place.

It’s hard to tell. 

Tom is dead by his orders. 

_ “I don’t have a way to get you out.” _

Jake’s words. Telling her that she was on her own. 

She’d accepted it. 

On her own? Fine. She could do that. She liked it that way. 

She had been prepared to go out fighting the Yeerks. She had welcomed it. Better her than any other one of them.

There wasn’t a life for her outside the war.

Rachel stops, breathing hard. Sweat beads on her forehead and trickles down her 

A noise bubbles up in her throat, emerging somewhere between a bitter laugh and a choked sob. 

She stumbles, wrapping her arms around herself and doubles over. Her nails bite into the flesh of her arms. Nothing more than tiny pinpricks of pain in the back of her mind. 

Blood on her claws, matting her fur. Some of it hers, but most of it not. 

Blood in her mouth, coating her teeth. 

She can still taste it. 

The cries of the wounded mingling with the bear’s own howls of pain as a Dracon beam burns a hole in its flank.

Those are sounds that she’ll never forget. No matter how much she wants to. 

Is that what she misses? 

Again, the grizzly stirs. She can feel its power simmering just beneath the surface. 

All she has to do is call it forth and it will protect her. 

Rachel drops to her knees in the dirt. Tears are streaming down her cheeks. When did she start crying? 

She never cries. Never.

She can’t stop. 


	2. Rachel II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't intend for this to immediately follow last chapter. This story is, more or less, meant to be an overarching series of one-shots, but, hey, if the characters decide they want something, sometimes you just gotta go with it.

Rachel has no memory of ever returning home when she comes to on the couch the next morning and that should worry her. 

She’s too tired to feel anything except… well, tired. 

With a groan, she rolls over and swings her legs over the side. It takes a monumental effort to even make it that far and she questions the wisdom behind even waking up. 

There’s the smell of freshly brewed coffee hanging in the air and coffee… coffee sounds really good right about now. 

Yeah. Coffee. She could definitely go for some coffee right about now. 

Rachel forces herself to rise from the couch, freezing when she realizes who else is in the kitchen. 

Loren sits at the counter, mug of coffee resting by her hands. 

She doesn’t look like much, this woman who Elfangor once loved.

Rachel wonders what their life must have been like.

It’s hard not to be intrigued by the woman who was the beloved of the great Andalite war prince.

She and Loren have never been at odds with each other, but they’ve never cozied up and been buddies either. 

They’ve fallen into this pattern of ignoring each other.

It pisses Rachel off, now that she thinks about it.

This whole avoidance thing… it’s not really her thing. She prefers confrontations.

So she decides to confront. 

“Hey.” She slides onto the stool across from Loren, making an effort to sound… what? Conversational? That’s a laugh. 

At least to sound like she isn’t going to bite her head off. 

Tobias’ mother eyes her warily. Like she’s worried Rachel actually might bite her head off.

It’s a look Rachel’s seen more than once. In the eyes of her friends. Allies.

Her own mother. 

Is that really what they all think of her? 

Should she be surprised? 

She was Jake’s weapon first and foremost, nevermind his cousin. Everything else be damned.

The darkness scared them, but they were damn well willing to use it if it got the job done. 

If it brought them a victory. 

Loren’s eyes scan her up and down.

“You look… rough.”

Rachel bites down on a cutting (and bitter) remark, which is her first instinct, but picking a fight with her boyfriend’s mother is not how she wants to start her morning. 

Besides, it’s true, she realizes. She fell asleep wearing the same clothes she went jogging in. Practically unheard of for her. 

There are dirt stains on the knees of her pants.

It would have horrified her before. No, it would have been  _ unthinkable  _ before, because, of course, this would have never happened before.

Now all she can feel is this sort of numbness. A distance, like it’s not even happening to her.

Which is funny, isn’t it? It’s just clothes. Just clothes.

“Coffee?” Loren offers, holding up her own mug, like Rachel needs an example.

Rachel shrugs. 

_ Jake, stop her! _

Tom’s last words.

Her fingers curl.

“Sure,” she says. It’s a struggle to keep her voice toneless, her face expressionless. A blank mask. That’s what she needs to be. A dam keeping the flood at bay. “Why not?”

Loren rises and Rachel immediately feels like a shitty person. She’s perfectly capable of getting her own cup of coffee. But she still feels numb and, though she won’t admit, she’s glad Loren is getting up for her. 

It saves her the trouble (and the humiliation) of learning just how shaky her legs are.

Loren grabs a mug from the cabinet.

“How do you like it?”

“Black is fine.”

She doesn’t usually take it black, but she can’t bring herself to care. 

Loren slides the mug to her and Rachel wraps her fingers around it. 

She sips it slowly and fights a grimace. She chokes it down anyway. 

Loren sits back down. 

“So…” she begins.

“So,” Rachel agrees. 

It’s an awkward attempt at a conversation starter. One that fails. 

Neither one of them seems to be able to think of anything to say after that.

Rachel’s eyes drift to the window, as if she expects to see a familiar red-tailed hawk perching in the tree outside.

She doesn’t.

Tobias is likely out hunting his breakfast. Depending on how successful he is, that could take a while.

“You were out late,” Loren observes, finally breaking the silence that’s fallen over them. 

“Pointing out the obvious?” Rachel shoots back, a spark of her old self flaring up. She regrets it then.

Loren isn’t looking to pick a fight with her.

Rachel pushes the coffee away from her. There’s a sick feeling growing in her stomach and she can no longer stand to remain cooped up inside. 

She needs the sky. 

“I’m going flying.” Usually, she wouldn’t bother, but she can’t leave Loren with no explanation. “Thanks for the coffee,” it feels like her tongue gets stuck around the name, “Loren.”

A minute later, she’s outside, barefoot and stripped of her outer layer of clothing. It’s become second-nature to wear their morphing outfits under whatever else they’re wearing. 

The bald eagle is already pictured in her mind.

She closes her eyes and feels the changes to her body take place. 

There’s no rhyme or reason to morphing. The stomach-dropping free-fall as she shrinks, the uncomfortable twisting and shifting of her bones and organs and the itch of feathers sprouting from her pores. 

The way her face protruded, nose and jaw narrowing, skin hardening into keratin to form the hooked beak of a bird of prey. The way her eyes sharpened, rotating to the sides of her skull, or her hair receded.

All of it completely random and all of it unsettling.

A minute later and the morph is complete.

Rachel spreads her wings and takes to the sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm kind of nervous about Loren's characterisation. I love her so much, but it's been a long while since I read The Diversion. I'm really hoping I got her right- I did reread The Andalite Chronicles recently, but she was pretty different in both if I remember correctly, which is... understandable given everything that happened in between- but I'm not sure.  
> Anyways, like I said, I love Loren. I was mad that the final book had nothing on her relationship with Tobias. I mean, I get that he was grieving Rachel and if he'll never get over it, fine, but come on, Applegate, he had just found his mother again.  
> Let Tobias be happy. Please.


	3. Tobias

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place before the previous one.

He’s human again.

It’s the first giveaway that this is a dream.

The construction site is all around him in shades of grey.

Knowing this is a dream, knowing what’s about to occur- it does nothing to quell the feelings of terror and helplessness as events unfold. It does nothing to give him control.

Tobias can’t move, can’t run, can only watch as the crippled Andalite fighter crash-lands. As the Andalite prince stumbles and crashes to his knees in the dirt. 

Elfanger.

Father.

He wants to run to him, to call to him. Scream at him to run. To morph. To save himself.

(But, of course, he can’t. Morphing takes time and energy, neither of which Elfangor has.)

Tobias does none of those things.

His legs are frozen in place. His lips are melded shut.

There’s a burning behind his eyes. Tears. He shouldn’t be crying. It’s a human reaction. Not hawk. Hawks don’t cry.

But he’s human now. Arms not wings. Toes not talons. And tears.Tears that won’t stop coming. 

He knows what’s coming as the Yeerk bug fighters come closer, as Visser Three disembarks. Knows it like he knows the woods behind Cassie’s house, but he can’t look away. 

The nightmares always begin this way. 

Sometimes it plays out in its entirety. 

Visser Three shifts shape into something monstrous and towering, crushing Elfangor in his jaws.

And Tobias hears his father’s dying screams echo in his mind and he feels himself scream along with him. 

Sometimes they end differently. Sometimes the construction site in all its shades of grey morphs to the white room and the glass cube. 

Taylor’s voice, screeching at him. And the button, glowing its deep, agonizing red.

_ You vile little bird! Who are you? To sacrifice your body! Do you realize what you’ve done? _

_ Yes. More than you know. Yes. _

The button pulses and he screams. 

Tobias nearly startles himself awake off his branch, barely catching himself with a hurried series of flaps. 

His heart is racing. 

He hadn’t expected the nightmares to end when the war did, but it would be nice if he could catch a bit of a break more than just once in a while.

The sun is rising and he won’t be getting anymore sleep for the time being.

He hunkers back down on his branch anyways, ruffling his feathers. A surreptitious glance at the window tells him Rachel is still asleep on Loren’s couch.

Either he hadn’t screamed in his sleep or it wasn’t enough to wake her.

That had happened a few times over the course of the war. He remembers that it used to trouble Ax. He also remembers his  _ shorm’s _ clumsy but well-meaning offer to talk if he ever needed it. 

/Good old, Ax-man./

Except Ax isn’t here anymore- he’s back with his own people- and that thought brings with it a fresh grief that Tobias doesn’t want to deal with. 

Sure, Ax isn’t gone for good. They’ll see each other again. 

It’s just… going to take some getting used to. 

It’s almost funny, isn’t it? He’s spent so much time being alone before… before everything. He shouldn be used to it.

Ax being gone shouldn’t even phase him, but it does. 

Tobias doesn’t want to think about it. 

He spreads his wings and lifts off his branch.

The sun is up and prey is about.

It’s time for him to start hunting. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore Tobias. He was my first fictional love, probably. Even if my support for R/T is endless.


	4. Rachel III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I'm a jerk. I forgot to update here when I posted the fourth chapter on fanfiction.net. I hope you will forgive me.

/Rachel?/ In the end, she doesn’t find him. He finds her. /What are you doing?/

/Flying./ Rachel has no reason to be short with him. But after her loss of control the night before, she’s feeling shaken. Snappish. 

She doesn’t apologize, but her explanation when it comes is as soft as she can make it. /I couldn’t stand to be cooped up any longer./

If anyone could understand the feeling, it would be Tobias.

Tobias’ laugh resounds in her head. /Can’t blame you for that./

/So, what are you up to?/

/Hunting./

/Oh. Right. Sorry./

/Don’t be./ Tobias keeps his tone light, but, at this point, it feels like any attempt at being lighthearted is just that: an attempt. /I caught a mouse earlier. I’m fed./

Out of habit, they keep apart. Now that they no longer have to worry about curious eyes on the ground, there’s no need for them to maintain the distance. 

Looks like old habits really do die hard. Especially when said old habit was part of the reason they stayed alive as long as they did. Not to mention Tobias’ hawk instincts. He wouldn’t want anything to do with her eagle. So they kept their distance.

For the time being.

At some point, their direction becomes clear, but neither one of them comments on it.

Until...

/Holy.../

At the same time, Tobias breathes, /Wow./

Their hometown is in ashes. 

The sight shouldn’t come as a surprise- they had only just managed to evacuate when the Yeerks struck in force.

It still feels like the air has been forcibly vacuumed from her lungs.

Melissa.

It occurs to Rachel that she has no idea if Melissa made it out alive. If her parents had. 

She feels vaguely guilty for not checking, but that fades in the background to… everything else.

/The crater.../ Tobias whispers. /Wow./

The crater where the high school once stood is huge. 

A gaping and raw wound in the earth itself.

The Yeerks are defeated. Visser One is imprisoned. The majority have chosen to live out the rest of their lives as  _ nothlits.  _ There are even still a few that exist with their voluntary hosts.

Rachel doesn’t understand it, how anyone could still be willing to give up their freedom, but regardless, the Yeerk threat to earth is over.

But the crater is the reminder. A reminder to how close they came to losing everything. Of how far they had to go to win. 

Years from now, she thinks maybe the crater will serve as a sort of monument, a testament to humanity’s spirit.

_ You came to defeat us and look at what we did to you. _

_ You tried to break us and you failed.  _

But right now, the wound is too fresh and people are too shaken.

But they’re making a comeback. 

Rachel lands gracefully- she kicks a small cloud of ash up anyways- and begins to demorph. There’s no reason for her to demorph here, but she does anyway. 

The stillness is overwhelming and Rachel is struck by the realization that she and Tobias must be the only living things for miles.

She hasn’t even seen one insect.

The Yeerks went beyond mere destruction. In Visser One’s determination to keep the Animorphs from having the element of surprise, he’s leveled everything to the ground.

The devastation is total. It’s all burned to cinders.

Rachel is fiercely grateful that that includes the bodies of the dead. There are no charred bones lying there accusingly. 

When Visser Three- no, Visser One- had finally made open war against earth, she had had one thought strike her with perfect clarity.

_ How have we made it this far? _

And she had looked at Jake and seen the same question reflected back at her.

The understanding that had it been this way at the start, they would have been obliterated on their first trip into the Yeerk pool. 

Before that even.

And they still won. 

_ You hear that, you filthy slugs? We won.  _

/This was a mistake,/ Tobias says. He sounds about as shaken as she feels.There’s no tree for him to land in and so he lands in the ash beside her. Unlike her, he doesn’t make the change back to human. /Why did we come here?/

The question is rhetorical and so Rachel doesn’t see the point in answering.

She doesn’t know the answer anyways- they just did. But seeing this- all of it- reminds her that there’s a reason for her anger. That it's justified.

And that’s how she wants to feel. 

It occurs to her that they shouldn’t be so shaken. They’ve seen this before. They saw it happen. The whole world did. 

Maybe, if she were here, Cassie would smile sadly and say something about combat and post-traumatic stress disorder. 

Cassie isn’t here.

She’s off being the spokesperson or ambassador for the Hork-Bajir, along with Toby Hamee. She’s moving on, doing things with her life.

Important things. 

Rachel wiggles her toes and feels the ash beneath her feet. 

It hits her like a punch to the gut that those could  _ be  _ somebody.

Somebody whose family doesn’t even have a body to bury.

She’s seen so much carnage- and been responsible for some of it herself- that it surprises her that she should be so squeamish. 

But it turns her stomach regardless. 

/I wonder if my uncle made it out,/ Tobias muses quietly. 

Rachel doesn’t say how she feels- that it would be a small loss if he didn’t make it- but her lips tighten and she knows Tobias sees it.

There isn’t much the eyes of a hawk miss. 

She begins the morph to eagle again.

/We should go,/ she says, when the morph is nearly complete and with it comes the ability to thought speak. She tries to hide just how rattled she is, but Tobias knows her well enough to see past that by now. 

He was right. Coming here was a mistake.

But a part of her had to see it again. She wonders if Tobias feels the same way. Probably.

/Rachel?/ he asks as they fly away, putting distance between them and  _ it.  _ /You okay?/

/You saw the same thing I did,/ she says simply. /Are you okay?/

/No./ Tobias’s tone is sheepish and a little self-deprecatingly. /I guess not./

Rachel frowns inwardly. It’s something she hates- his ability to so easily put himself down. 

It’s something that’s never left him over the course of the war, but she doesn’t know how to handle it right now, so she says, /Hi kettle, meet pot./

In a better situation, maybe there would be something else she’d say. Something else she should say. But she can’t delude herself into thinking that anything she could say will ever make it better.

Neither one of them is okay. That’s a given. 

Maybe, at some point, they will be, but that’s a harsh maybe. 

Tobias’ laugh is more genuine this time. /Point taken./

The silence that falls over them after that is easier to bear at the start. It should be peaceful, but there’s too much going on in Rachel’s head. 

Too many demons that won’t let her go.

/My mom wants me to go home for the week,/ she blurts, just to break the silence. 

Once it’s out there, it feels stupid. How can she talk about her own personal bull after seeing that? 

But it’s mundane and it sounds normal enough. 

As if either one of them can even pretend to be normal at this point. They’re a pair of birds flying high in the sky in California. Neither one of them can even be the same species for more than two hours at a time. 

They’ve left normal far behind and it happened about three years ago. 

/Are you going?/ Tobias asks simply. 

/No. Maybe. I don’t know. I hadn’t really thought about it./ 

Tobias doesn’t say anything.Thinking it over. 

Things aren’t the best between her and her mom and they haven’t been… well, they haven’t been since the truth came out. The knowledge that her daughter had been waging a secret war for the past three years wasn’t something that Naomi Berenson had exactly taken well.

It wasn’t just that. 

Rachel had seen the way her mother had looked at her those times in the Hork-Bajir valley. They hadn’t been as discrete as she had tried to make them.

Rachel pushes it away. Her mother’s judgement and condemnation on top of everything else is not what she needs to dwell on right now. 

But at least Rachel  _ has  _ her family. She knows them and she has for the majority of her life. She has memories with them and they with her. 

The same can’t be said for Tobias. He’s only just found Loren again and the woman doesn’t even remember him.

And his father…

She doesn’t even understand how the whole thing with Elfangor even happened except that the Ellimist was involved. 

Somehow.

It doesn’t erase what they all saw in the construction lot. It doesn’t erase what  _ Tobias  _ saw. 

/Okay, fine. I’m going,/ she says. She feels like an idiot. But Jordan and Sara probably want to see her anyways and maybe she can convince herself that that’s a reason enough to go. /Thanks for helping me work that out./

/I didn’t do anything, but sure. No problem./ Tobias laughs. /But Rachel?/

/Yeah?/

/Go. Talk to your family.” He pauses. /Maybe I’ll, uh, go out with my mom./ 

/I probably sound like such a jerk talking about my own problems./

/We’re dealing,/ Tobias says simply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As much as I love Rachel and Tobias (and I do! They're my babies.), next chapter will be about Jake.


	5. Jake

There’s not much that he hasn’t said already.

_ I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. _

The world is ready to worship him as a hero, but he couldn’t even manage being the hero for the one person who mattered most. 

_ Tom. _

Jake stands in front of the headstone, hands tucked into the pockets of his jeans.

_ Do you hate me for not saving you, Tom? _

He wonders how his brother felt, when their identities were compromised and the Yeerks realized that the Andalites they’d been fighting had only been just a group of human kids-  _ Well, human kids and one Andalite _ , he amends _ \-  _ when he realized that his younger brother had been among the Yeerks’ enemies and hadn’t saved him. 

Had he hated him? Had he wondered why? Did he think Jake thought he wasn’t worth the effort?

_ You were, Tom. You were the only damn reason I joined this war in the first place. _

It’s not going to do him any good to dwell on that.

_ You were my hero, Tom. I should have been yours.  _

Still inside his pockets, his fists clench.

The need to say something is overwhelming almost, but it’s like his tongue has stuck to the roof of his mouth. 

_ I’m sorry. _

His eyes burn and he turns away from the grave. 

It’s time for him to go home. Even if he knows he’ll hear his mother cry when she thinks he can’t hear or that she’ll look at him like she’s trying to remember that none of this is his fault. That his father will try to mask the pain from his face but won’t be able to do anything about the slouch of his shoulders.

The Animorphs have disbanded.

Rachel and Tobias have gone off together, taking Loren with them. They’ve more than earned the respite.

He knows Rachel has been in contact with her family, even if he himself hasn’t heard from either of them.

(It’s hard- he can see in each look his Aunt Naomi gave him that she blames him for what her daughter has become. 

He doesn’t blame her.)

Cassie seems to have moved on from the war, moved on from  _ him.  _ He’s happy for her. Really. But it’s hard to ignore the painful clench of his heart when he thinks of her. When he imagines what they could have had. 

_ If things had been different. _

And Marco...

/Pretty sure Rachel would have a heart attack if she saw you in those jeans./

His head jerks up.

“Marco?” he says, entirely on instinct. 

Even though thought speak works differently than normal speech and Marco could currently be anything. 

He feels what he’s not sure is an entirely imagined itch and he swears that if Marco hitched a ride on him in  _ flea  _ morph, he will kill him. 

/Says a lot about your mental state that you didn’t know the osprey following you, my dude./

Now that Jake looks up, he can see the osprey wheeling overhead.

/But don’t sweat it. Wouldn’t be an Animorph if I didn’t know how to be  _ discreet./ _

Jake could have snorted. 

/Can’t believe you actually drove here like a normal person. I raised you better than that, didn’t I?/

In spite of himself, Jake smirks.

/There’s the Jake I know. He’s still in there. Look, I’m coming down. No killing, okay, buddy?/

Marco means it as a joke. He thinks. 

Jake just nods. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP Tom. You will be missed.


	6. Jake II

Maybe it should scare Jake- how easy it is for them to slide back into their usual line of friendly bickering. 

Even if it feels fake. 

But it feels good- just like old times- when Marco reaches across to punch him in the arm.

“I knew the old Jake was in there somewhere. Where’ve you been hiding?”

He grins- like he thinks he’s just said the funniest thing in the world. 

It’s approximately five minutes into this routine when Marco decides to quit clowning around and get to the point that Jake assumes has him here in the first place. 

“You need to stop punishing yourself.”

Jake’s fingers grip the steering wheel a little tighter.

“I’m not punishing myself.”

“You’re at Tom’s grave because you like it there?”

“I’m there because he’s my brother!” Jake clenches his teeth so hard his teeth ache.

“Not because you blame yourself for his death?” Marco asks. “You’re here twice every week, Jake. That isn’t exactly normal.”

“You’ve been spying on me?!”

Marco dodges the question with a wave of his hand, even though Jake has no intention of letting that go. “I know you, Jake. You’re running every scenario through your head, asking yourself if there’s a way you could have done things differently.”

He inhales quietly.

“You’ve been spying on me,” he says, deadpan.

“Cassie and I were worried about you.”

“ _ Cassie?” _ Jake turns to face him and it’s hard-  _ really  _ hard- to ignore the sharp dig of betrayal that he feels under his ribs. 

Marco has always been good at sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong, but Cassie… He never thought…

“Hey,  _ she  _ didn’t know,” Marco cuts in. “I said she was  _ worried  _ about you. What did you expect, man?” He gives him a sharp glance. “It’s Cassie.”

_ Cassie. _ ..

Thinking about Cassie is like swallowing broken glass.

It hurts. 

He shouldn’t dwell on her rejection. She made her choice and he respects that. 

But the  _ what if _ still lingers in the back of his mind. 

“I’m just saying,” Marco pushes on, “maybe you should start trying to live your life. It’s what Tom would want.”

_ You don’t know what Tom would want. _

The words rise to the back of Jake’s throat, but his tongue cleaves to the roof of his mouth and he can’t bring himself to speak them.

Deep down, he knows that Marco is right.

That Tom would want him to live his life.

But he also realizes that the Tom he knew was a different Tom than the one who died. 

It’s difficult to look back and know that the brother he knew for the past three years was a parasite. 

He had no idea what Tom was like in his final years. 

No idea how much his brother had changed. 

He can’t even pinpoint when the change happened. When the Yeerks took his brother. 

But he remembers a single moment.

Their first raid on the Yeerk pool. Tom throwing himself between Visser Three and another escaped slave.

Sacrificing himself.

“Jake, man?” Marco interrupts his thoughts. 

It’s a shock when Jake realizes that he’s crying. A tear slips along his jawline and he hurriedly wipes it around. 

He clenches the muscles in his throat and jaw. 

“I’m fine,” he says.

“Clearly,” Marco agrees. 


	7. Tobias II

Going out to eat is Loren’s idea. 

Tobias isn’t thrilled with it- he still isn’t used to being around people. He still doesn’t know how to  _ act  _ around people and he hasn’t really done anything to change that in the past few months. 

But he agrees. 

They have a lot of lost time to make up for. 

It occurs to him that eating out with his mother shouldn’t be this hard. 

It’s fortunate that the most recent pictures of him are school pictures from three years ago when he was thirteen. 

It’s fortunate that, when he gave him the option of morphing back, the Ellimist gave him a morph that aged. 

It’s fortunate that, when it comes to the Animorph Tobias, people are so caught up on the hawk that they forget about the boy. 

Still, instead of a diner, they opt for a deli, grabbing sandwiches they can eat elsewhere rather than eating in at some restaurant and risk recognition.

“Maybe we could find a picnic table?” Loren suggests tentatively. 

Tobias’ skin prickles when her fingers brush his arm, but the contact is brief, much to his relief.

He knows being touched by your mom is supposed to feel normal, feel  _ good, _ but he’s just… not ready yet.

“I suppose we have a lot to talk about.” Loren brings both hands in front of her, clutching the bag strings. 

“Yes, I suppose so.” Tobias has no idea what he’s supposed to do with his hands so he sticks them in his pockets. 

Loren gives him a quiet look, one that suggests he’s being difficult, even if he doesn’t mean to be.

Finally, Loren just sighs and shifts the bag again.

The silence draws on, achingly so, until finally Tobias is the one who has to break it.

“Elfangor.” The name brings a familiar shortness of breath. From the way Loren’s step falters, he imagines it’s gotten the same reaction. “You… you really don’t remember anything, do you?”

“Sometimes I remember things,” Loren admits. “Little snatches of memories. His voice. Or just… this look in his eyes. But it’s always gone before I can fully grasp it. Where do you want to eat?”

“Uh… the woods would be fine.”

Maybe it’s not a normal place for people to eat their food, but they’ve all stopped pretending they were normal a long time ago. 

Still, he feels momentarily embarrassed when Loren side eyes him curiously, but she doesn’t comment on it.

“Sure.”

He feels ridiculous when a pressure lifts itself from his chest.

He shouldn’t have been this worried about her reaction.

She’s his mom and… he’s been living as a hawk out in the woods for years now.

Of course it seems a little strange to her.

Of course.

Tobias takes a moment to glance at the watch he’s brought with him.

He’s got an hour and a half left in morph. 

Plenty of time.

And… she can morph now.

He shouldn’t forget that.

They can always go flying.

Tobias would be lying if he said he wouldn’t prefer that over what they’re doing now.


End file.
